I am a 22yr old girl and I'm a Uni student like most of my generation.
I don't know how to put this but my life started falling apart since I was 19,
Like I literally lost everything,
My will to live or to exist, whatever it is we do on earth,
I lost my confidence; I was that Hermione Granger confident in highschool. Be it in class, be it outside and Yes, my Friends called me Hermione. I thought my hard work would pay-off one day.
I was so courageous, I still am except now that I'm a certified procrastinator and it's not rewarding.
I was a chit- chat but not in a bad way tho, I always knew the answer to everything that came my way. It's safe to say, I lost my vibe.
I lost my mind, my anxiety spiked as my confidence went plummetting. I just don't believe in myself or in what I do say like when I was 16.
I fucking lost weight, the kind that makes you look like a primary school girl. Skinny. Now all I do is wish I gained a few pounds and trying to validate my weight loss to my friends and family (ughhhh so draining 🤢).
And if you are asking yourself, No I'm not a heavy drinker nor am I a smoker. My life just fell apart drastically, just like that.
You know these recaps we do at the end of the year(photos and videos)? Well, I'm not that classy or sassy but Lord, these tight dresses, cute eyeliners, beautiful hair, fancy places and cool friends all make me look happy and it's almost impossible to convince anyone that actually these are my worst years that I'm experiencing. I surprise myself how happy I look in these Snapchat memories, but I know that deep down and above all those shows my life doesn't get better. And I'm not HAPPY.
On some days, I sleep too much, very unhealthy and miss a lot of classes, miss lunch and loose a track of time as my head sway into another episode of dreaming on a sunny weekday. Sometimes I can't even wake up to drink water I be laying in bed dehydrated.
And on days like today, I lay In bed aimlessly with my laptop open and more than 100 slides to read. But I'm too anxious, too overthinking to study for my exams.
I was gonna say I don't have anyone to talk to, truth is; I have friends I can talk to and I have a partner who gives me forehead kisses and cuddles me. But I can't always find answer to that familiar question "what happened?" Or "why are you feeling like that?" I don't know. I don't know why I feel the way I feel. I don't know why I feel like a wilted flower in a vase of water.
So instead of ranting my irrational sad feelings, I sleep it off and wait for the silent storm to clear.
I cry lots of times,
I cry myself to sleep some nights when I feel really at my lowest,
I cry when I fail,
I cry at each and every inconvenience in my life,
I cry when i see people in pain and
I cry at the fake scenarios I make in my head.
I think I cry more than I did when I was a baby and a toddler.
I can now relate to what Issa said in Insecure "I just wanna skip to the part in my life where everything is good." if it does get better.
I wish my guardian Angel would take my hand and lead the way.
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