They say, the thing about parenting doesn't come with manual.
I'm always obsessing how i will ever be good enough for you,
I don't know what it is about us, daughters, always craving affection,
Attention and appreciation from our fathers.
When you speak to me your tone is gargantuan,
your words are fierce and honed,
Your face disgusted.
Did i do you wrong daddy?
Is it my 'bullshit intolerate' face?
Is it my boldness to stand up to you in your angry tornadoes?
Unlike your sisters
Unlike my Mama.
I, your only daughter stands detached from you
And whom have i got to blame? myself?
Perhaps not
Your childhood traumas?
The financial strain you are facing?
Your 'overprotective' instinct?
Is it your daily sermons? is it what they tell you when you go to church?
None of these give you a reason to treat me like shit,
None of these give you an excuse to slap me.
Sometimes i do take the blame though,
For not being the perfect little girl you want
For not being the baby girl that sits at home all days.
For standing up to you when you hurl the insults and accusations at me.
I blame myself for not running away,
To give your angry mouth a break
And your hands a vacation from slapping me.
oh shit,
You would blame it on Ma, wouldn't you?
Ma always takes the blame,
Ma is always the scapegoat.
Ma is always torn being on our both sides,
Comforting me when you hurt me
And
Defending you.
All the family friends believe you are nice and kind and always smiling,
* chuckles*
Being at anyone's service but your family.
An impostor.
I'm afraid of you 'MAN',
I'm afraid of meeting you in the hallway,
I get so afraid when you bark at me,
I'm afraid of my future husband,
I'm afraid of telling my friends about your anger issues,
maybe i am the source.
I'm afraid of telling my daughter that its 'complicated' with you.
Perhaps I’ll print this out. Maybe one day I’ll even let you read it and the other things I’ve written to express myself.
I can't wait to get out of your nest 'daddy'
I can't wait to prove you wrong.
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